An epiphany.

We almost broke up, yesterday.

But we didn't.

We talked for hours, and he told me how my constant unhappiness and self-esteem issues hurt him. I had no idea that something so internal could affect other people so adversly. He told me that happiness comes from inside myself, and he's tried everything to make me happy. He knows that I appretiate and notice all he does for me, but my actions don't show it. I agree with him. It's high time I took some personal accountability for my feelings. I sit around, moping, complaining about my history and my conditioning and all the shitty things that happened to me. But, what I came to realize yesterday is that I'm out of that environment. That's not a situation that I'm in anymore, and I need to stop letting my self-doubt overtake me. Instead of letting things roll off my back, I stand there, like a punching bag for my self-doubt. And I let it beat the shit out of me everytime. And Michael is left to repair what's left.

So, I'm through. Today is a new day, and I wash my hands of feeling bad. I've done it way too long, and although I've progressed over the last year, I've hit a plateau. Well, it's time to continue up, and I'm not letting anyone or anything fuck with me anymore. This isn't to prove to anyone...this isn't about being better than anyone anymore...its about personal growth, and growing up. Its about putting my words in to action, and breaking the cycle. So fuck you, self-doubt, and self-hatred. Fuck off. We're done. No more hidden agendas, no more controlling, no more lamenting my childhood. I'm 20 years old, I'm beautiful, I live in a place that I've always dreamed about, I have the best family that I could ever ask for, I have an awesome boyfriend who, while he's a dumbass from time to time, loves me immensly, and I love him too. I have a sweet job, and I'm ready for more. So bring it. You don't have anything that I can't deal with. Try me. You'll lose. I'll knock it out with a slick one-two. I'm not afraid of myself. I'm not afraid of anyone. So I'll take that clusterfuck and I'll make it work for me. All that shittiness that happened, all that lonliness and betrayal, I'll turn it around. Because I'm fucking awesome. I feel bad if you don't know me. Everyone who does, loves me. I rock.

How do you like me now?

"I've got my best shoes on and I'm ready to go. These are the times that cannot be weathered." -Rilo Kiley (a band)